Raising an only child is often met with questions and concerns. A Reddit user recently asked a poignant question, “Will an only child be lonely?” as a soon-to-be mother expressed her anxieties about having just one child, fearing it might affect her relationship with her partner and their finances.
Many parents, myself included, find themselves grappling with this question. I was 47 when I gave birth to our first and only daughter after years of trying and undergoing IVF. We didn’t set out to have just one child, but due to the financial burden and my severe postpartum difficulties, we decided that one was enough.
So, is our daughter lonely? While she sometimes expresses boredom, wishing for a playmate, she has close relationships with cousins and friends. However, she yearns for a sibling connection that she imagines is unique to siblings.
To shed light on this, we consulted parenting experts to explore if loneliness among only children is a real issue and whether a strong connection with their parents can make up for it.
Boredom Shouldn’t Be Confused with Loneliness
Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and parenting expert, highlights an important distinction: loneliness isn’t about proximity to others, but a lack of connection. “You can be lonely in a sea of people,” she explains. “The same can happen in a house full of siblings. Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee they won’t feel lonely.”
Dr. Newman also points out that boredom often gets mistaken for loneliness. However, she suggests there are benefits to being alone, like learning to be creative, introspective, and independent. According to Dr. Newman, the perceived downsides of being an only child often stem more from parental concerns than actual drawbacks.
Why Having Only One Child Gets a Bad Rap
Stereotypes about only children being spoiled, lonely, selfish, or aggressive are widespread. Dean Beckloff, a licensed professional counselor, attributes these ideas to research from Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, who suggested birth order impacts personality development. Beckloff notes, however, that research today shows only children can develop into responsible, well-adjusted adults.
Dr. Newman, in her upcoming book Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child, notes that many parents choose to have only one child to avoid postpartum difficulties. Some feel it’s unfair to their firstborn to have a mother who isn’t fully present due to depression after a second pregnancy.
Other Hesitations About Having Only One Child
Aside from concerns about loneliness, there are other factors that may make parents hesitant about having just one child. Dr. Beckloff explains that only children are often “adultified” because they spend a lot of time around adults. To counter this, he suggests parents actively encourage childhood play and imagination, such as getting on the floor and playing with their child.
A common concern raised in the Reddit thread is how aging parents will impact an only child. However, Dr. Newman argues that having more than one child doesn’t necessarily make caregiving easier. If parents build strong connections with extended family members and other “sibling substitutes,” only children may still receive support as they grow older.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Dr. Newman and Dr. Beckloff offer questions for parents to consider when deciding whether to have more than one child:
- Do I genuinely want another child, or am I feeling pressured by others?
- What stigma or stereotype about only children concerns me the most, and is it important?
- How will another child affect our finances right now?
- Is my partner on the same page about expanding our family?
- Do we have the space for another child?
- Am I physically able to have another baby?
- Do I want to go through postpartum recovery again, and how will I manage it this time?
- How will I answer questions about why my child doesn’t have a sibling?
- How will I help my only child practice sharing and develop social skills?
Advice for Parents of Only Children
Dr. Newman advises against over-scheduling your only child. It might seem like filling their time will prevent loneliness, but it can breed over-dependence. “If you always fill their time, the child may become overly reliant on you for entertainment,” she cautions. Instead, she recommends providing supplies that foster creativity, such as books or dress-up clothes.
Dr. Beckloff emphasizes the importance of giving your child space to be themselves. It’s a balancing act that becomes easier as you understand your child’s needs and temperament.
